Top o’ the morning, interwebsters! I’m not really sure if I should post this or not, so I’m just going to do it before I lost my nerve. I have something altogether heavy and not-funny to share with you today. You could classify it as Deeply Personal, but I feel like it would be good for me to share my experience… Because I know I’m not the only person out there who does this!
So I have this problem. It has come and gone for the past 3+ years. I’ve told my family and close friends about it, but I don’t think they understand how much I still struggle with this. And since a full 2/3 of Americans are overweight, something tells me that I am DEFINITELY not the only one that struggles with this.
Here goes. Sometimes I eat a lot. When I say a lot, I mean an ungodly amount of food. Like, I will literally eat until all of the food in my kitchen is gone, or my stomach feels like it’s about to explode, whichever comes first. It’s like the Pringle’s slogan: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop. It’s fun at the time, an obsessive, insane type of fun, but the regret and pain that follow are actually the Anti-Fun.
Take for example my two episodes (episodes? Events? Occurrences?) this weekend. On Friday, I decided that it was a good idea to eat an entire epically-enormous box of crackers covered in honey and blueberry jelly. Mmm! Sure, that box of crackers should have lasted me until the Mayan-predicted end of the world, but I went through all of them in one night. Then last night, I finished off a loaf of bread and some pancakes, once again covered in sugary goodness… and all of this, after stuffing myself silly at the buffet. Ridiculous.
“Oh come now, Kirsten!” you might say, “This isn’t a big deal! Everyone eats too much every once in a while. This isn’t anything to freak out about.” I would disagree, my friend. Do normal people HAVE to keep eating something until it’s gone? Do they eat it all, then return to the kitchen and find more food to eat as quickly as possible? Do they put on some kind of video for background noise, so they don’t feel like they’re JUST eating (even though they’re paying zero attention to the video)? Do they feel so damn compulsive about it, that even if they consider stopping, that there’s no way for them to gather up their self-control and STOP IT ALREADY?
Well you know what, maybe there are a lot of people out there like me. But that doesn’t make it normal, and it doesn’t make it right. That just means that a shit-ton of people out there also need some serious help to get through this. This isn’t normal. It’s wasteful. It’s expensive. It makes you feel like shit. My self-esteem is blown for days after I do this. I always wake up the morning after thinking that I’ll never do it again… but by that evening, I’m sniffing around the kitchen again looking for something to devour. It’s sick. It’s a disgusting habit that once you allow yourself to do it, it’s fucking difficult to dig out of.
So why am I talking about this? For one, I’m selfish–I need to get it off my chest, and I haven’t made enough friends here to spout about this (“Oh hey, I know we just started hanging out last week, but let me tell you about my soul-crushing obsessive eating problem.” Yeeeeeah not happening.) Two, I know I’m not the only one who does this. Compulsive eaters of the world, unite! Three, I don’t want to struggle with this on my own anymore. I know you guys can’t really HELP me in any tangible way, but I think the mere fact of other people KNOWING about my issue will help me overcome it. And maybe, if there’s someone else out there with this same problem, we can help each other out.
I wish I had some kind of sure-fire way to stop this from happening again, but I’ve tried various “foolproof” ways in the past (this fool got through em). So I’m just going to focus on self-control and on how drop-dead sexy amazing I could look, if I didn’t eat a whole loaf of bread covered in sugar every few days.
/ end really personal blog post